"No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress...who, having previously taken an oath...to support the Constitution of the United States, engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof..." 14th Amendment, US Constitution Ratified in 1868, this amendment specifically targeted the KKK. Designed to negate the influence of oath-bound "ex-Klansmen" in high office, this amendment was crudely violated when FDR appointed Klansmen Hugo Black into Supreme Court. Others would follow. Show a Child You Care
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© Copyright 2002 Impious Productions. Used with permission.
America's Most Unwanted
With Pat Buchanan...an ode to reality television
FADE IN
EST. SHOT-- BORDER CROSSING- DAY
Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahony driving an M-1 tank into
American territory.
BORDER OFFICER
That was a quick trip. Cardinal. I hope
you found that holy water you were
looking for.
MAHONY
Yes. Too bad I have to return this rental
so soon. Or I'd have time to chat with
you about it. Peace be with you, my son.
(The border officer smiles and
waves goodbye)
LAP DISS. TO-
INT. CATHEDRAL- DAY
Buchanan walks down the aisle of an empty cathedral before
pausing to address the audience.
BUCHANAN
He is a cold blooded race traitor in
shepard's clothing. He calls himself a
son of God. But he didn't vote for me.
Thus he treads boldly into blasphemy I
say!
(Pat's pocket phone rings.
Sheepishly, he answers.)
OPERATOR (0.S.)
MCI Friends and Family! Will you accept a
collect call from Satan, the Prince of
Darkness?
INT. HELL
As the devil sits on his throne talking on the phone. howling
and cursing for Pat to shut up, the devil's minions express
their displeasure with Pat.
DEMON 1
You're blowing it, Pat! You're blowing
it. Man!
DEMON 2
Just wait until you get down here--
SATAN
(to DEMONS)
Shhh!!! I'm tryingt o talk!! Yes, hey-
hey Pat! Is this Pat?
BUCHANAN V.0.
No. This Pedro. Yeah--
(nervously) )
I Pedro! Pat not
here.
SATAN
Pat not here alright, ya stupid
motherfucker. You are so predictable--
stop making me look good.
BUCHANAN V.0.
(mockingly)
Now you pissed me off! twice fallen angel-
SATAN
You arrogant fool! I taught you
everything you know about evil, and in
hell Satan is always employee of the
month, ya hear me?!
Gleaming with pride, Pat polishes a golden pitchfork award
that he carries with him everywhere he goes. On it is a
plaque that reads "Employee of the Month"
INT. CATHEDRAL- DAY
BUCHANAN
I don't see your name on that plaque-
Pat glances at camera, andembarrassed, he remembers he's on
television and hangs up.
BUCHANAN (CONT'D)
uh, I mean, our first case begins
innocently enough Sunday. This is a true
story.
LAP DISSOLVE:
EXT. RACE TRACK-- DAY
Still clad in full clerical garb. Cardinal Roger Mahony races
his tank through the parking for like a maniac- - driving on
the sidewalk at 50 miles per hour. A woman he nearly hits
stops him and complains after Mahonv squashes her grocery
cart.
WOMAN
Why don't you watch where you're going,
creep?
An enraged Mahony suddenly grins maniacally. With the press
of a button he swings the turret and knocks her out,
essentially pimp slapping her with a tank turret. Then Mahony
gleefully runs over the feet of a poor wino that was leaning
against the wall fast asleep. Then he backs up and does it
again.
MAHONY
And that's for not going to confession,
sinner!
INT. TANK- DAY
Cardinal Mahony is smoking a joint and his stereo is blasting
Oz's blasphemous "Turn the Cross Upside Down". He gags on the
taste of the and then throws out the burning roach and a dime
bag of pot from the speeding tank.
MAHONY
Curses! seeds again! The dealer must die!
(Mahony says a brief prayer,
and...)
INT. DEALER'S HOUSE- DAY
A hippie is tripping on a Grateful Dead record when he struck
by a bolt of lightning….
EXT. PARKING LOT- DAY
A robin (an actor in a ridiculously misrepresentative bird
suit) sees the bag land nearby and starts pecking at the
seeds that are spilling out of the bag.
BLINKING CAPTION: "DRAMATIZATION"
Suddenly the bird flies into a psychotic rage. It sets out to
attack a school bus filled with children.
EXT. BUS STOP- DAY
A school bus is loading children when they receive an
unexpected visitor.
INT. BUS- DAY
The robin has acquired a machine gun and steps into the bus
to address the driver.
ROBIN
Hey bitch! What'd you say about my
mother?
The crazed robin steals her purse and beaks her repeatedly,
then eyes the children menacingly.
ROBIN (CONT'D)
Now I know y'all got some bird seed!
The frightened children start to cry…
EXT. RACE TRACK- DAY
Mahony searches for a parking spot. He finds a nice one in
the handicapped zone, and he flips off a handicapped driver
about to take that spot.
MAHONY
So you can read sign language! Ha'.
Everything is going according to plan!
Now I can go to Mass and perform my
liberal sacrilege with a clear
conscience! Hah hah hah!
Cardinal Mahony stops the engine and gets out of the tank
like John Gotti. 200 illegal aliens jump out of the tank and
are armed with machine guns, grenades. several crates of
dynamite, and welfare applications. The Cardinal blesses
them.
(0.S. Spooky mood music.)
BUCHANAN V.0.
His name is Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los
Angeles. In February of 1993. he
endangered his fellow Americans by double
parking at the Santa Anita Race Track.
Luckily, there was no
car parked in the other space, and lives
were saved. This time he wasn't in the
car, but what about next time? What if
his niece isn't driving next time? What
if it's a tank she's driving next time'?
Yet the unmitigated blasphemy didn't stop
there.
A traffic cop arrives to ticket the tank and the aliens
scatter. She questions Mahony about the weapons, and writes
the ticket as a pissed off guy in a wheelchair points him
out.
TRAFFIC COP
You're double parked in a handicapped
zone.
MAHONY
You talkin' to me? I know, you ain't
talkin' to me!
TRAFFIC COP
I'm talkin' to you, Cardinal!
MAHONY
Oh. I see. You want to burn in hell like
a roast pig? today's your lucky day,
copper!
Mahony jumps out of his tank with a flame-thrower strapped to
his back, and he stuffs an apple in her mouth. Then he
torches both. The Cardinal suddenly stands still. XCS: His
watch is beeping and a young voice comes through- it sounds
like the little Japanese boy from the scifi classic "Johnny
Sokko and His Giant Robot."
JOHNNY V.0.
Giant Robot! Giant Robot! come to me- -
I've just been arrested at the border!
MAHONY
Oh no! It's Johnny-- he's in trouble
again!
EXT. TIJUANA BORDER- DAY
FX: A jet pack folds out of Mahony's back and he miraculously
transforms in to a fifty foot tin robot with a pyramidal head
and laser vision. Flying at supersonic speed, he lands back
at the border. In a rage he locks his arm, aims and shoots
rockets out of his fingertips at immigration officers and
buildings. Towering over terrified officers. Mahony crushes
INS vehicles under his feet. Eventually, King Kong and
Dracolon the Great Sea Monster come into the fray to do
battle with the giant Cardinal. Both are sporting INS
jackets, but are soundly defeated by the Cardinal's
proficiency with the nun-chuks, drop kick and the rockets
he's firing from his fingertips.
INT. POLICE STATION- DAY
Police Dispatcher at her terminal.
DISPATCHER
All points bulletin: officer down!
Repeat: officer down! Suspect last
spotted in clerical garb distributing
food to the needy!
BUCHANAN V.0.
While writing up his ticket an innocent
traffic officer suffered a near fatal
paper cut on her pinkie finger, and
Officer Pebbly Poo was rushed to the
hospital by helicopter for emergency
blood transfusions. But there were
complications: namely, hemorrhoid
surgery. Officer Pebbly Poo was lucky.
She pulled through miraculously with no
visible scars from that incredible
trauma. The only scar that remains is an
emotional one. Critics claim her account
is pure fiction. They cite her history of
insanity and the fact that she never
worked for any law enforcement agency nor
suffered any burns whatsoever. But
critics delude themselves.
(ominously)
Because they're beaners.
INT. CROWDED CATHEDRAL- DAY
Roger Mahony is speaking in tongues, his eyes are rolled up
to their whites and he's levitating himself over the heads of
bedazzled parishioners.
BUCHANAN V.0.
It's English only here, Cardinal. Speak
in tongues somewhere else, amigo! So
remember- with your call, we can put this
beaner-lover Mahony on the big green bus
back to Mexico: or whatever country he
came from.
TRACKING SHOT: Suddenly Buchanan is approached by police and
questioned. They walk over to inspect the shows equipment
van. They search Buchanan's pocket find the van keys. They
let him him go, and dejectedly, he walks away.
EXT. CITY PARK- DAY
Buchanan walks over to a nearby concession stand selling an
assortment of rocks, bricks and rotten fruit. Democrats and
Republicans line up for a bag or two. A banner over the stand
has its motto:
"He who hath not sinned among you, cast the first stone."
Buchanan buys a bag and starts chucking rocks at a bag lady
as she sits on a bench, dodging the missiles.
BAG LADY
(exasperated)
Stop it! Can't you see I'm a human being?
BUCHANAN
That bench is whites only! And I'm not
going to stop until you move!
She finally leaves and then he approaches a group of first
grade youngsters on a field trip with a sweet blonde teacher,
MS. DAVENPORT. He calls out to the minorities in the group: a
Latino Child, BOY I, then to an African American. BOY 2, and
Asian, GIRL I.
BUCHANAN (CONT'D)
(to Boy 1)
Hey you. Let me see your papers. This
swing is for citizens only, and so are
the monkey bars! Where are your papers?
BOY 1
What papers?
BOY 2
Yeah- - what papers? What are you talking
about? Rolling papers? I don't smoke that
stuff. Who are you?
BUCHANAN
Who am I? I'm the biggest, baddest dude
in town, and I say you don't pay taxes!
So I'm going to deport each and every one
of your little asses unless I see a green
card soon.
While the teacher is still distracted with other children,
Buchanan slaps BOY l upside the head.
BUCHANAN (CONT'D)
Stop hitting me, beaner!!!
BOY 1
What the hell? You hit me!
BUCHANAN
How many of your parents are in the
Democratic Party? Raise your hands!
Two of the children do. Buchanan chuckles, grabs his pocket
phone and starts dialing.
BOY 1
Sir. You needn't have slapped me upside
the head. Surely you could have chosen a
better means of expressing your
frustration. You could have elevated this
communication to the first grade level.
BUCHANAN
(cell phone to ear, with
strained Southern accent)
Hello? INS. I have some Meshicans here
under citizen's arrest none over ten.
Some of them are even pregnant I reckon.
INS OFFICER V.0.
You again. Listen, Mr. Buchanan, I know
its you. Now, I told you to stop calling
me here at home with tips on the next
school yard I can raid.
Besides, my wife notices the
attention.....Frankly, Jane here's really
getting jealous about the time we spend
on the phone...
Buchanan hangs up in a rage. He grabs a pen and puts it on
his shoulder.
BUCHANAN
(to children)
What are you looking' at? What? you think
you're bad? Whoever doesn't like the fact
I've just deported them-- I dare him
knock this pen off my shoulder!
(holds up his fist)
Yeah. thought so. And you'd better have a
toothbrush for where you're going.
BOY
Ms. Davenport is this really a candidate
for president?
MS. DAVENPORT
Pat, this isn't funny. The campaign is
over. Leave the children alone.
Buchanan is demanding identification papers from children:
"your papers! Where are your papers goddamit!" They just
stare at him, dumbfounded. He is lost in his own little
world.
BUCHANAN
Okay. Fine. As even you must certainly
know, my campaign coffers are running
low. This means we can make a deal. Maybe
some of you won't get deported. Whomever
has lunch money, that is.
The children are frightened and begin to cry as they empty
their pockets. Buchanan chuckles demoniacally as he collects
the loot ...and then explodes with laughter. DOLLY OUT: we
see a man in the throes of mockery, falling to the ground and
on his back like an overturned beetle, kicking his legs in
the air, holding his guts together.
MS. DAVENPORT
This outrage will be dutifully noted by
your superiors, Pat.
BUCHANAN
I would appreciate it. The prince of
darkness will eat his heart out. But
wait! don't go! You'll miss the big green
bus!
The teacher can only watch in pity as she leaves.
MS. DAVENPORT
Come children, we'll get your money back
later... and don't make eye contact- -
it'll only encourage him!
She leads the children away as she does her best to calm
them.
BUCHANAN
Wait! Don't go yet-- don t fors
were saved. This time he wasn't in the
car, but what about next time? What if
his niece isn't driving next time? What
if it's a tank she's driving next time'?
Yet the unmitigated blasphemy didn't stop
there.
A traffic cop arrives to ticket the tank and the aliens
scatter. She questions Mahony about the weapons, and writes
the ticket as a pissed off guy in a wheelchair points him
out.
TRAFFIC COP
You're double parked in a handicapped
zone.
MAHONY
You talkin' to me? I know, you ain't
talkin' to me!
TRAFFIC COP
I'm talkin' to you, Cardinal!
MAHONY
Oh. I see. You want to burn in hell like
a roast pig? today's your lucky day,
copper!
Mahony jumps out of his tank with a flame-thrower strapped to
his back, and he stuffs an apple in her mouth. Then he
torches both. The Cardinal suddenly stands still. XCS: His
watch is beeping and a young voice comes through- it sounds
like the little Japanese boy from the scifi classic "Johnny
Sokko and His Giant Robot."
JOHNNY V.0.
Giant Robot! Giant Robot! come to me- -
I've just been arrested at the border!
MAHONY
Oh no! It's Johnny-- he's in trouble
again!
EXT. TIJUANA BORDER- DAY
FX: A jet pack folds out of Mahony's back and he miraculously
transforms in to a fifty foot tin robot with a pyramidal head
and laser vision. Flying at supersonic speed, he lands back
at the border. In a rage he locks his arm, aims and shoots
rockets out of his fingertips at immigration officers and
buildings. Towering over terrified officers. Mahony crushes
INS vehicles under his feet. Eventually, King Kong and
Dracolon the Great Sea Monster come into the fray to do
battle with the giant Cardinal. Both are sporting INS
jackets, but are soundly defeated by the Cardinal's
proficiency with the nun-chuks, drop kick and the rockets
he's firing from his fingertips.
INT. POLICE STATION- DAY
Police Dispatcher at her terminal.
DISPATCHER
All points bulletin: officer down!
Repeat: officer down! Suspect last
spotted in clerical garb distributing
food to the needy!
BUCHANAN V.0.
While writing up his ticket an innocent
traffic officer suffered a near fatal
paper cut on her pinkie finger, and
Officer Pebbly Poo was rushed to the
hospital by helicopter for emergency
blood transfusions. But there were
complications: namely, hemorrhoid
surgery. Officer Pebbly Poo was lucky.
She pulled through miraculously with no
visible scars from that incredible
trauma. The only scar that remains is an
emotional one. Critics claim her account
is pure fiction. They cite her history of
insanity and the fact that she never
worked for any law enforcement agency nor
suffered any burns whatsoever. But
critics delude themselves.
(ominously)
Because they're beaners.
INT. CROWDED CATHEDRAL- DAY
Roger Mahony is speaking in tongues, his eyes are rolled up
to their whites and he's levitating himself over the heads of
bedazzled parishioners.
BUCHANAN V.0.
It's English only here, Cardinal. Speak
in tongues somewhere else, amigo! So
remember- with your call, we can put this
beaner-lover Mahony on the big green bus
back to Mexico: or whatever country he
came from.
TRACKING SHOT: Suddenly Buchanan is approached by police and
questioned. They walk over to inspect the shows equipment
van. They search Buchanan's pocket find the van keys. They
let him him go, and dejectedly, he walks away.
EXT. CITY PARK- DAY
Buchanan walks over to a nearby concession stand selling an
assortment of rocks, bricks and rotten fruit. Democrats and
Republicans line up for a bag or two. A banner over the stand
has its motto:
"He who hath not sinned among you, cast the first stone."
Buchanan buys a bag and starts chucking rocks at a bag lady
as she sits on a bench, dodging the missiles.
BAG LADY
(exasperated)
Stop it! Can't you see I'm a human being?
BUCHANAN
That bench is whites only! And I'm not
going to stop until you move!
She finally leaves and then he approaches a group of first
grade youngsters on a field trip with a sweet blonde teacher,
MS. DAVENPORT. He calls out to the minorities in the group: a
Latino Child, BOY I, then to an African American. BOY 2, and
Asian, GIRL I.
BUCHANAN (CONT'D)
(to Boy 1)
Hey you. Let me see your papers. This
swing is for citizens only, and so are
the monkey bars! Where are your papers?
BOY 1
What papers?
BOY 2
Yeah- - what papers? What are you talking
about? Rolling papers? I don't smoke that
stuff. Who are you?
BUCHANAN
Who am I? I'm the biggest, baddest dude
in town, and I say you don't pay taxes!
So I'm going to deport each and every one
of your little asses unless I see a green
card soon.
While the teacher is still distracted with other children,
Buchanan slaps BOY l upside the head.
BUCHANAN (CONT'D)
Stop hitting me, beaner!!!
BOY 1
What the hell? You hit me!
BUCHANAN
How many of your parents are in the
Democratic Party? Raise your hands!
Two of the children do. Buchanan chuckles, grabs his pocket
phone and starts dialing.
BOY 1
Sir. You needn't have slapped me upside
the head. Surely you could have chosen a
better means of expressing your
frustration. You could have elevated this
communication to the first grade level.
BUCHANAN
(cell phone to ear, with
strained Southern accent)
Hello? INS. I have some Meshicans here
under citizen's arrest none over ten.
Some of them are even pregnant I reckon.
INS OFFICER V.0.
You again. Listen, Mr. Buchanan, I know
its you. Now, I told you to stop calling
me here at home with tips on the next
school yard I can raid.
Besides, my wife notices the
attention.....Frankly, Jane here's really
getting jealous about the time we spend
on the phone...
Buchanan hangs up in a rage. He grabs a pen and puts it on
his shoulder.
BUCHANAN
(to children)
What are you looking' at? What? you think
you're bad? Whoever doesn't like the fact
I've just deported them-- I dare him
knock this pen off my shoulder!
(holds up his fist)
Yeah. thought so. And you'd better have a
toothbrush for where you're going.
BOY
Ms. Davenport is this really a candidate
for president?
MS. DAVENPORT
Pat, this isn't funny. The campaign is
over. Leave the children alone.
Buchanan is demanding identification papers from children:
"your papers! Where are your papers goddamit!" They just
stare at him, dumbfounded. He is lost in his own little
world.
BUCHANAN
Okay. Fine. As even you must certainly
know, my campaign coffers are running
low. This means we can make a deal. Maybe
some of you won't get deported. Whomever
has lunch money, that is.
The children are frightened and begin to cry as they empty
their pockets. Buchanan chuckles demoniacally as he collects
the loot ...and then explodes with laughter. DOLLY OUT: we
see a man in the throes of mockery, falling to the ground and
on his back like an overturned beetle, kicking his legs in
the air, holding his guts together.
MS. DAVENPORT
This outrage will be dutifully noted by
your superiors, Pat.
BUCHANAN
I would appreciate it. The prince of
darkness will eat his heart out. But
wait! don't go! You'll miss the big green
bus!
The teacher can only watch in pity as she leaves.
MS. DAVENPORT
Come children, we'll get your money back
later... and don't make eye contact- -
it'll only encourage him!
She leads the children away as she does her best to calm
them.
BUCHANAN
Wait! Don't go yet-- don t forget to tell
your parents to vote for me!
FADE OUT